Whats your Poo telling you?

[icepick]

Come on now. Where is the next installment?? I have been waiting to see what my poo touching should be telling me.

[Ruthless]

Braille Poo

     Despite the fact that poo follows the same route through the GI tract before coming to rest in the toilet bowl, individual bowel movements can have markedly different textures. While some movements are smooth and silky, others take on a more angular and bumpy appearance. Braille Poo can be identified by its rough and uneven texture. The passing of these uneven poos makes you wonder what causes this type of potholed feces and why they can't achieve the honeyed smoothness of previous poos. However, it is important to accept that just as some roads are well paved while others are gravel or cobblestone, poo's texture can similary be quite varied.

Dr. Stool Says:
     This amalgam of poo appears to be due to a "catch-up" phenomenon. The slowing of colonic transit (i.e., constipation) allows digestive debris from several meals to form a single, variegated bolus of stool. In other words, the ham and cheese sandwich you had for lunch "runs into" the scrambled eggs you had for breakfast, the steak you had for dinner the night before, ect. Identifying remnants of prior meals can be both challenging and enjoyable. Unlike De'Ja' Poo, where the food item is identified largely unchanged in the turd, Braille Poo requires careful scrutiny of the stool's color, texture, and occasionally odor in order to correctly identify the individual components.

Tommorrow: The Chinese Star
Synonyms: The Dorito, Iceberg, Glass Shard, Mystery Poo

[Ruthless]

The Chinese Star

     This poo's defining characteristic is the excruciatingly painful sensation of feeling as if your rectum is being torn apart from the inside as the turd exits your body. This searing agony is commonly the result of passing a particulary hard, angular bowel movement. At times, this stool's appearance can be a source of bewilderment. As we hold back the flow of tears, our awareness quickly shifts to the identification of the offending particle. The mounting rage, however, is diffused when we gaze into the waters only to see a small, seemingly innocuous turd resting peacefully on the bottom of the tiolet bowl.

Dr Stool says:
     If the intense rectal discomfort persists despite elimination of all glass-containing items from your diet, you may have an anal fissure. An anal fissure is a tear in the lining of the anal sphincter, usually occuring after passing a particulary hard stool. This break in the lining causes spasm of the internal anal sphincter (similar to any other muscle cramp) and can make having a bowel movement feel as if you are passing razor blades. Treatment consists of topical anesthetics, stool-softening agents, and sitz baths.

Next up: Rambo Poo
Synonyms: Uh-Oh, Chocolate Sunday With Strawberry Sauce, The Neapolitan Poo

[icepick]

Know whats funny about this thread? When I first saw it, I laughed and thought, "OOOOOOk. A thread about poo. where isthis going?" But I find myself reading it daily.....lol. I think I need professional help.

[Ruthless]

Know whats funny about this thread? When I first saw it, I laughed and thought, "OOOOOOk. A thread about poo. where isthis going?" But I find myself reading it daily.....lol. I think I need professional help.

[DarthRacer]

Know whats funny about this thread? When I first saw it, I laughed and thought, "OOOOOOk. A thread about poo. where isthis going?" But I find myself reading it daily.....lol. I think I need professional help.

Me too. I'm sick.

[Ruthless]

Know whats funny about this thread? When I first saw it, I laughed and thought, "OOOOOOk. A thread about poo. where isthis going?" But I find myself reading it daily.....lol. I think I need professional help.

Me too. I'm sick.

Aren't we all.....

[Ruthless]

Rambo Poo

     On a rare instances, you may look down at your droppings and see traces of blood. Despite the tone of this book (and title of this poo), this is no laughing matter and could represent several different serious problems that you should consult a pyhsician about.

Dr. Stool says:
     Thankfully, there are many benign causes of blood in the toilet bowl, such as hemorrhoids, diverticulosis, and arteriovenous malformations (abnormal blood vessels that have a tendency to bleed). Before overreacting, keep in mind what happens when you put a few drops of food coloring into a bucket of water. Similary, a few small drops of blood will convert your toilet into a large, unwelcome bowl of fruit punch.
     Often overlooked, vigorous overwiping, which causes a little blood to appear on the ol'brown starfish, could also be the cause of the bloody surprise. In this case, consider yoga, exercise, or a new hobby for alternative stress relief. A conversion to a softer toilet paper would also be prudent.
     However, the most feared cause of blood in the stool is colon cancer. Due to the seriousness of this illness, any new sighting of reddish stool or blood-tinged toilet water should always be followed by a visit to your doctor. In most cases of gastrointestinal bleeding, a colonoscopy is performed to visualize the interior of the GI tract and identify the source of the bleeding.

Tommorrow: Number Three
Synonyms:Butt Piss, Liquid Poo, The Runs, Oil Spill, Hershey Squirts, Montezuma's Revenge, Chocolate Thunder, Diarrhea, Operation Marination, Operation Evacuation, Releasing the Hounds, The Nile, Poo Stew, Chocolate Slurpee, Gravy Poo, Birds Flying South for the Winter, Rectum Rapids, It's Raining Poo, Deuce Juice, Turd Tea

[Ruthless]

Number Three

     Although you know that you need to sit down for this rear deposit, Number Three comes in a liquid form and have little to no texture. When passing one, you feel as if you are urinating from the wrong side. A Number Three is often a violent discharge, sometimes with very little warning, and may often be accompanied by tremendous gaseous emissions. As you feel its sudden onset, your sense of relief that you made it to the toilet in time is quickly replaced by the ill feeling associated with the release of a Number Three. The explosiveness is so severe that it often results in brown splatter hitting the underside of the toilet seat. At times, the splatter is so great that you have to wipe the remnants off your butt cheeks when you are finished. Number Threes are not pleasant.

Dr. Stool says:
     To understand the Number Three, one must understand the factors that are responsible for producing the prototypical semisolid bolus. The stool's desired consistency is formed by a careful balance of fluid secretion/absorption and intestinal transit time. Perturbations in this system can result in the extremes of the stooling experience: from bowel-breaking constipation to torrential watery diarrhea.
     The Number Three has two main causes: GI tract infections and maldigestion. Inadvertent consumption of bacteria, viruses, or toxins from undercooked meat or week-old potato salad causes the small bowel to secrete large volums of fluid, coupled with brisk intestinal transit (picture the torrent of Class 5 rapids), results in the delivery of large amounts of liquid to the rectum. Cholera infection is the most severe example of this physiology. The diarrhea produced by this disease is classically referred to as having the consistency of "rice water" and leads rapidly to life-threatening dehydration.
     Impaired digestion is the other possible cause of the Number Three. One should consider this diagnosis when the explosiveness of the bowel movement is particulary violent. In lactose-intolerant individuals, ingestion of dairy products results in the production of copious amounts of gas and liquid stool. If severe enough, the expulsion of these "contents under pressure" can cause your significant other to run for cover.

Tommorrow: The Streak
Synonyms: Skidmark, Hershey Highway, Racing Stripe, Lining the Pavement

[Ruthless]

The Streak

     A phrase more commonly reserved for Joe DiMaggio's seemingly unbreakable fifty-six-game hitting streak in 1941, The Streak also has a well-established place in the world of poo. The Streak is a relic of a prior poo usually appearing as a thin brown stain down the center of the toilet bowl. Some Streaks maintain their legacy and remain visible for multiple flushes after their origional introduction to the toilet.
The appearance of a racing stripe at the bottom of the bowl is a most unwelcome sight for all would-be poopers, especially guests at a friend's dinner party. While one's first notion is to curse the Streak's creator, it must be acknowledged that in a majority of cases the rightful owner of this chocolate drizzle is oblivious to its existence. This ignorance is attributable to the fact that The Streak appears only after completion of the flush. To ensure you don't leave a poo trail that leads to you, always give the post-flush glance to make sure you don't need an encore flush.

Dr. Stool says:
     While this is no streak to be proud of, it is rarely a cause for concern. The appearance of The Streak is highly unpredictable, and there is no evidence to suggest that specific foods are responsible for lending this stool its sticky nature. One potentially worrisome scenario associated with thick, sticky stools is upper gastrointestinal bleeding. In this case, blood originating from "high up" in the GI tract (i.e., the stomach) is transformed during its passage through the intestines into a thick, tarry stool that is usually jet black in color and extremely foul smelling. A dramatic change in the color of stool (to either black or red) can often be the first indication of serious gastrointestinal bleeding.

Tommorrows topic: Sneak Attack
Synonyms: Ambush Poo, Chocolate Surprise, Deuce Is Loose, Shart

[Ruthless]

Sneak Attack

     Regardless of our readiness to "come clean" we have all gambled and lost in this sinister game of shooting craps. We look for a lucky seven, but alas roll snake eyes. It usually starts with the uncomfortable sensations of intestinal rumbling and gaseous bloating. Thinking that quick, surreptitous release of gas will usher in much needed relief, you prepare for an airy evacuaion. But ocassionally the anticipated fart contains more than just gas and is accompanied by a liquid smear of poo. In addition to staining your underwear, the smelly remnants of this Sneak Attack will follow you around until you perform the necessary cleaning...usually a hasty laundering in the bathroom sink. When faced with a Sneak Attack, we recommend taking care of the cleanup immediately. Often this may require throwing away your underwear and going commando for the rest of the day. A refreshing shower should eliminate all remaining traces of this unwelcome surprise-both physically and emotionally.

Dr. Stool Says:
     This fecal surprise is due to the presence of liquid stool in the rectum, the antechamber where the stool is stored before expulsion. Distension of the rectum (by stool or air) causes the urge to empty the rectum's contents. Normally, solid stool is easily kept inside the vault, but in the setting of significant, watery diarrhea, stool can inadvertently escape when the anal sphincter opens to release the gas.


next up: Soft Serve
Synonyms: Jabba the Poo, Play Doo, Cow Pattie, Septic Seepage

[Cajun]

That's some funny stuff CB.

[Buster]

So, CB is this all my Poo is telling me? No more?

[Ruthless]

So, CB is this all my Poo is telling me? No more?

Don't worry    I have a butt-load of poo info 

[Cajun]

So, CB is this all my Poo is telling me? No more?

Don't worry    I have a butt-load of poo info